As I complete another turn around the Sun: 35 orbits strong…..I’ve realized I’ve been living on a false premise most of my life…..
UNWORTHY. CONDITIONAL LOVE. I was loving myself conditionally so much of my Life. (can you relate?)
Here I am. Grey hairs sprouting like stubborn weeds, and wrinkles like creeper vines spreading around my eyes– and I don’t care to do anything about it. Pause. GASP! WTF?
FINALLY. It has happened to me. Well. In larger expanses than ever before.
The love that I feel, finally for myself this past year is so deep— the deepest I’ve ever felt in my life. It is a love that is learning to love EVERYTHING, in spite of shade. It is a deep let go, surrendering, allowing. Allowing Nature to do her thing. And Like many of us, I’ve learned conditional love growing up in this society, so this gradual shift was going against MANY years of training in the camp of self-hatred….
The “if” conditional love of our culture. IF you do blah, blah then you are worthy, lovable, validated, allowed to be here, play this game in this society, this game called Life. This past year, through the help of a very powerful mirror, I’ve been shown all the ways I’ve sabotaged myself, and the old patterns of self-abuse. I can point the finger to many people, institutions to blame for this teaching of conditional love, but until the light of awareness is made visible in me, until I can see that only I can liberate myself and nobody can do it for me, no apologies from anyone will make it right. The healing balm only we can create from within, only we can apply to our broken hearts. Little childrens’ hearts break when they internally adopt the false belief that they are inherently bad, wrong, or unworthy, rotten to the core. Until this belief is made visible, brought to the Light of awareness- it continues to run amok into adulthood, like a virus creating havoc in the background of our lives—- causing all kinds of “cover-up” habits like addictions to substances, using food to feel better, spending money to soothe, co-dependency, etc, etc.
Bringing our shadows, pain, our stories into the light and still choosing to love yourself ANYWAY, is the deepest most UNCONDITIONAL love there is. As adults, focus and discipline ARE forms of self care, and sacred love rituals communicating to yourself that you matter, that you respect yourself.
This year, I am loving myself and the way I look physically, not from a superficial place, but from deep reverence because I know Source, Divine Intelligence, GODDESS moves me, breathes me. When I see the so called “imperfections” old Abby would’ve been so stressed to fix this and that. Not now. I don’t care. Even 2 years ago, I NEVER would’ve gone out hair pulled totally back showing off my big ol’ forehead, greys all showing, no makeup, with the confidence I have now. I would’ve cowered, avoiding looking in people’s eyes. I look people STRAIGHT in the eyes now, because I know I am a Queen. I’ve made it through so much, and so have you, we are proud Mama Lions! I know God/Goddess/Source/Divine Intelligence is proud of me too, I can feel it. In this human experience, we have to overcome A LOT to be standing here still and to NOT be totally be beaten down is a FUCKING MIRACLE in and of itself.
The Divine feels this way about everyone of us– it’s our job to just surrender, let go of the judging mind, and receive all the love that is already breathing us into existence. When we stop long enough to be silent and listen to our Hearts, all is revealed. Everything is perfect. We are perfect. Magnificent even. Now. What can we do? What magic will we create if we knew we couldn’t fail?
I’m standing here as a shining beacon of Light to you. Even through the shards of a broken heart. We are so worthy. We are Light, Beauty and Strength embodied— no different than the stars, trees and water, we belong.
We are not our mistakes, tendencies, habits, not even our personhood, the ego we so identify with. We are consciousness looking back at itself. We are Love breathing every moment.
I have learned this year that I have a huge heart that’s ready to share, be seen and give. I’ve learned there is great strength in vulnerability. I’ve learned the power of iicha shakti: the power that comes when you commit yourself to your Dharma– your life path, your life’s work. Your service to the the world.
I’ve learned I must trust in uncertainty. That I can trust my hits of intuition. I’ve learned I need nurturing and a strong base to move forward. That the toxic masculine way of doings things my whole life like overpushing, overworking, and ignoring my intuition DO NOT serve my highest good. That it is time to move in the way of and trust in the way old ways of the Feminine Principle of Flow. That this strong base I need is not a physical place, but something so DEEP, so strong within me, that it is UNSHAKABLE. And that unshakable thing is the belief in myself. The knowing that, no matter what I’m going to be okay. That no matter what, I will and CAN always show up for myself in the way that I choose. There is always that option , even in the most dire circumstances. We have that power to choose our perceptions, our thoughts, our behaviors. That there is always a passion burning eternal in the World, if only you turn your head to the Light and feel the warmth. The seed is in you. You were born with this sacred seed.
There is great Love here. Great Magic. Great mystery pulsing in the Universe.
I’ve learned that I do better when I let my masks fall to the floor.
I’ve felt the power and love that nourishes so deeply when women come together for a higher purpose and for healing.
I’ve learned the sound of my own voice and trusted myself on shaky legs, to sing my song openly.
I’m learning to take off the cloak of shame and stand true and naked in my God-given innocence.
That we are all children of the Universe.
” It’s okay to be just me. I don’t need everyone’s approval. I just need my own”
” I know a lot more than I give myself credit for. I can always tap into this innate knowledge to guide my decisions. I TRUST MYSELF. So be it. AHO! ”
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*To learn to how to listen to your intuition deeper and take inspired action from there, you are invited to the 6th class in the Chakra Healing Series workshops: 3rd eye + Sparking Intuition, taking place on May 9th, 6:30~8:30pm in East Vancouver, BC Canada. We will be working with ancient Indian chanting, mantra and mudra, followed by Intuitive Feminine Embodiment movement practises. Learn more + Register yourself here.
** To learn about anchoring yourself with powerful yet simple and pleasurable Self-Care Morning Routines and the power of giving back to yourself first– make sure to join our next live broadcast happening on April 25th Wednesday 1pm PST in “Nourished Women Wednesdays” in the closed FB group: Nourished Woman Tribe.