How I *healed from extreme dissociation and resurrected the goddess within me
I am holding the term “healed” here loosely because I don’t think it works like that.
I think we learn to dance better and move in deeper relation to our most wounded + suppressed aspects.
You can use any substance to disassociate or to wake up. When I was a functioning alcoholic in Korea 12 years ago, on the outside I looked put together + successful— in control.
But on the inside I was raging. I used alcohol to almost reproduce the very state of unconsciousness where the childhood abuse took place — so I could somehow go back, fix it. I would get black out drunk and cry.
But that kind of medicine never works. Stuck spinning in cycles of toxic internalized shame that would cripple + freeze my ability to function in certain areas of my life.
That is what unprocessed trauma + shame will do to you. It will eat you slowly from the inside out.
8 years ago dancing at a festival near Portland with just my mother’s sky blue chunni tied around my waist and a drop of liquid lsd that I took from a gay fairy in the forest — my world was turned right side up.
I had never brought presence to my sexuality before this moment — it was a performance or a place to numb out.
That day in the sunset haze for hours I barely moved as I danced, bare feet grazing the forest floor, ripples of pleasure radiating through my entire body. My whole body was an erogenous zone.
A holy zone. The divine feminine resurrection. Plugged into the Mother, earth + community. Music. Divine heavenly music.
Something so profound shifted in me that day.
I reclaimed my body.
Joy. Pleasure. Presence. Tears. Love. Celebration.
It’s important to note here that one of the reasons this moment felt so profound to me is because all of this embodied pleasure – was taking place without the need of a male gaze, or another toxic entanglement with a narcissistic man.
And although I guide couples and groups into deeper relational intimacy now — it’s so important to note that we cannot get there from there. So many of us were raised in families, embedded in codependent and measurement and abusive partnerships.
Therefore, that pivotal moment where you finally feel deep reverence, joy, and pleasure in your own body, just for you and nobody else- this moment is a vital step to sexual sovereignty and deeper intimacy with others, especially if you were survivor of codependent and narcissistic patterns from childhood.
For me the initiator was a psychedelic — but the Vishnu like preservation came from learning embodiment practices like yoga and authentic lineage tantra, somatics and so forth.
These ancient modalities became the house, dare I say the crystal palace in which I came back home to myself, through every day integration and grounding— and deep, deep self compassion mixed with a healthy dose of curiosity.
Choosing to be penetrated by Lifeforce energy by the magic that weaves, and hold the entire universe together instead of it being against your will, and from patterns of abuse from the past- yes. this indeed is a life-changing moment, for anyone.
That following year I undertook woman’s embodiment training with @awakeningwomen and birthed The Nourished Woman in 2017.
This body of work has blossomed and bloomed since that first opening in the forest. Tantra yoga training, somatic counseling + education ensued.
I learned systems + tools that awaken deep presence, pleasure and power into the most unconscious aspects of our psycho-sexual bodies. This paved the way for the very work that you are reading today in these words in these posts in these programs in these courses in these retreats.
The glimmers of freeze + disassociation still come up in my life today — but a large part of me is no longer in the dark.
My invitation to you is this: come back to the body.
When we are cut off from our sensual, sexual erotic, primal life force power, we are lost.
Sexual embodiment that is rooted in pure presence— not a performance, is a higher and deeper form of intelligence.
It is where worlds are birthed from.
It’s what knits us back into wholeness, we us back into the fabric of the universe, no longer split and fragmented from Source.
It will heal you and bring light, depth and abundance into every facet of your life.
Get to know your vital life force energy.
Become intimate with life again.
Open your mind and feel / See God(dess) in yourself again – become intimate with her.
This is tantra.
This will bring you home.
Standing beside you in these
fires of awakening,
All my love,
P.S~~> here are some upcoming invitations this season for you to step into a deeper feminine luminosity and ancestral remembrance of who you really are.
March 3 ~ 24: Luminous Womb: a 21 day Online Sadhana
For those who are ready for deeper exploration…
Come work with me 1:1 from Jan to March inside Embodied Woman: my signature 12 week somatics + tantra coaching program.
See link here to apply ::